Today 18 years ago i started a journey that i would never have to take, the journey of living with grief.
No one teaches you how to live without your mum from the age of 18, its all about teaching your self, going through the motions and trying your best to take the right path in life, which is some what difficult.
Having years of battling with something that totally tore my family apart, I spent years of plodding along acting like a teenage arsehole, drinking myself through my darkest days, not knowing where i was going or how i would ever live this new normal, this different life now you was gone and how i would carry on living without you.
Being the eldest of the family at 18, my brother was 16 and my sister was only 12, i kind of took the mum role whilst trying to live my teenage years. (My poor dad) i just don’t know how he coped, dealing with 3 children, one that was going off the rails, one that just didn’t talk about his emotions and still lives in silence now and one that was just a baby, also a job and losing the love of his life.
Years past and i just learnt to take each day as it comes, well try anyway, some days i felt bad like i shouldn’t get upset and i just had to get on with it to stay strong, but now at 36 I’ve realised its ok to have your down days, its ok to cry to let all the emotions out, its ok to ask for help, its ok to have therapy, its ok to reach out on social media, but back then none of this was a thing, which was difficult.
It was only a few years ago that i started having therapy and taking medication, which is what i absolutely swear by now. I thought i was indestructible, i don’t need therapy, i don’t need any help, but as time went on the grief was affecting me in different ways.
My clients will laugh at this as they know I’m not shy of going to the doctors at any point i can to get any scan i can, this is where i developed health anxiety. I was convinced for years that i was going to pass just like my mum did and leave my children, it got so bad that at one point i was convinced i had stage 4 cancer and had 2 weeks to live. I would also booked doctors appointments when there was nothing wrong with me but just incase by the time i got to go to doctors i would have something wrong, it was for sure out of control.
It would stop me from doing a lot socially, even going to tesco was a struggle, it was like i feared going out, the anxiety was just too much.
In time after having therapy this become a lot better and after while i felt like i didn’t struggle with it at all, then lockdown hit and the struggles reappeared but not as bad, but my focus ‘EssexLash’ got taken away from me and this hit me hard.
12 years ago i found my path, my love for lashes, even though i would still have the odd off the rails day, but i think thats aloud. 6 years on from that i opened up my pink princess as i call her ‘EssexLash’ and i couldn’t be more prouder.
Aiming for goals to focus on, the sense of achievement and seeing results, winning awards, judging competition, recording podcasts, all things i never thought i would do, but all these things make me want to work harder, giving me more passion and drive, to achieve more and more. Having that passion to focus on is what saved me from being lost in grief from day to day. Constantly thinking of the past and not the future, totally losing my head to a place i never thought i would escape from, was all saved by this one dream of ‘EssexLash’ being the biggest i can make it.
So yes lockdown is extremely difficult having that taken away from me but i am totally grateful for what i have too.
Its ok to feel the way we feel, we all have life struggles but its the path and focus you take to make your life goals better.
Its all for you mum xxxxxxxxxx